


Whouffle and Pineapples

by Phoebmonster



Series: Tiny fics for the Whoniverse [1]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Crack, I did this for a dare, I'm so sorry this exists
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-03
Updated: 2013-07-03
Packaged: 2017-12-17 14:00:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/868368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoebmonster/pseuds/Phoebmonster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Whouffle! Pineapples! Aliens! What more could you want?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whouffle and Pineapples

**Author's Note:**

> Basically my friend dared me to write a fic about pineapples which had Whouffle in it in one day. So I did ...

Crappy pineapple fic  
Clara spun round the TARDIS console, grabbing onto a handrail for dear life. The Doctor's hands darted back and forth over the TARDIS control panel, leaping back as a flurry of sparks flew in his face. Waving his electrocuted hand around madly, he hopped from one foot to the other, muttering time lord obscenities under his breath. The TARDIS tilted alarming again, sending Clara and the Doctor crashing to the floor. "Hold on Clara - crash landing imminent!" The Doctor yelled over the spluttering whine of the TARDIS. The lights were flashing too brightly and the TARDIS titled again and Clara fell towards the doors which burst open. Time seemed to slow as Clara fell out of the TARDIS, her arms flailing in mid-air, reaching for the Doctor. The Doctor was hanging onto the TARDIS doors, mouthing her name and stretching for a hand he knew he could never reach. Clara hit the ground with a sickening thud and through the fog she looked up to see a small silver ball falling to the ground beside her. As the blackness cleared from her vision, she saw the TARDIS flicker and flashing in and out of existence with the Doctor still desperately trying to reach her. Then it vanished completely and Clara was alone.  
After the fog had cleared from around her, Clara sat up. She appeared to be in a deserted wasteland, covered in rust coloured sand. Clara picked up the small silver ball and examined it closely. It didn't seem to do anything. Clara sighed; trust the Doctor to give her something useless. As Clara pocketed it, she heard a whispering whooshing sort of sound. Suddenly she was surrounded by hundreds of sinister looking aliens. They were humanoid in form but covered from head to toe in dark leather and their faces were covered in metal masks which had slits for the mouth and the eyes. Simultaneously, they tilted their heads and started making a weird clicking noise, like hundreds of crickets. Clara tried to back away but she felt a leather arm across her waist and a foul smelling hand across her nose and mouth. She screamed, tasting the rust and the salt on the glove. Clara kicked out and tried to break free before her eyelids suddenly grew heavy and she slumped forwards, falling in and out of conciseness. Clara was mumbling whilst she was being dragged away and thrown into a cage, but she was getting quieter and she was slurring her words more. Just one word though, over and over again, "Doctor."  
Clara regained conciseness a few hours later. She stood up suddenly and gasped. She was dangled from the ceiling in a cage by a chain. She had to be over 20ft up in the air, which offered her a brilliant overview of her surroundings. It was a huge amphitheatre with rows and rows of seats which extended up to the ceiling in an oval pattern. The main arena was covered with sand and there was a large box at one end which appeared to be the seats for the royalty. Clara took a tentative step forward and the cage wobbled alarmingly from side to side. Clara sat down quickly and tried to work out what to do. It didn't help that her head was spinning and her stomach was doing little flips - just one side effect of being absolutely terrified of heights. "Oh crap crap crap Doctor you better come rescue me because there is no way in hell I am climbing down... oh crap..." Clara's mumbling was interrupted by a clinking sound on the bars behind her. Clara whirled round, rocking the cage violently. Her saviour fell backwards and was just hanging on by one hand until Clara crawled over and heaved him up. "Doctor!" She cried, hugging him close as he slipped through the bars. After the hug had become sufficiently awkward, Clara stepped backwards and straightened her skirt whilst the Doctor ruffled his hair and straightened his bow tie. Clara grinned and pushed the Doctor on the shoulder. "Took you long enough! Right, how on earth are we getting out of here?" The Doctor looked out the bars and smiled sheepishly. "I ... Ughh... haven't thought of that. I guess we could just climb down, I climbed up." Clara backed away slowly as the Doctor climbed to the outside of the cage. He was standing 20ft up on the tiniest ledge imaginable yet he didn't seem fazed at all. "C’mon Clara, I'll go first." Clara backed away further from the Doctor, trying not to rock the cage and trying desperately not to cry. The Doctor stuck his hand through the bars and smiled gently. "It's okay Clara ..." He was interrupted by a startled sob from Clara as she started to cry. "That's easy for you to say! You're a time lord! You can regenerate if you fall! I can't! Oh god..." Clara covered her face in her hands and desperately tried to stop crying because she'd seen the Doctor go through so much and she was crying over being a little high up. Suddenly she felt warm arms around her as the Doctor hugged her close. Soon her cries had subsided into a hiccupy sort of breathing and she could face the Doctor again. He smiled down at her and rubbed her arms awkwardly. "It's okay Clara; we'll just find another way. It'll be fine, I won't let anyone - or anything - hurt you." Clara smiled at him and reached to kiss him on the cheek but was interrupted by the chain above the cage lowering at an alarming speed. The cage, and its occupants, crashed down and landed on the sandy ground with a deafening thud . Before Clara could check that the Doctor was okay, she felt the same leathery hands wrap round her forearms and drag her out of the rubble. She was thrown before the large box and chained to a post. The box contained another one of the leather people, but this one removed its mask to revel a scared and puckered face with pale blue skin and totally red eyes. Long dark hair fell over the alien’s shoulders and she clicked her teeth expectantly. The entire amphitheatre suddenly filled with more of the leather aliens and the alien in the box glided down the stairs until she was face to face with Clara. “I am Queen Idrisa of the United Planateriums of Zorg. I set up a barrier around my planet so any time machines would be caught – I hoped to catch a time lord, and now I have one. What are you doing here, time-lord scum?” Clara gulped as she had the strong suspicion that the wrong answer could result in her immediate death in front of tens of thousands of unforgiving aliens. “Uhh… I’m not a time lord, actually. I’m a human.” There was outrage from the stands which the Queen silenced with more clicking from her mouth. “What do you mean, not time lord? You came in a time lord vessel, did you not?” Her voice was low and menacing and Clara really hoped the Doctor would show up soon. Or at least give her an indication that he wasn’t trapped under the rubble of the cage. Or at least show he was alive. Clara swallowed and tried to look menacing. “I … borrowed it. Anyway, you can check, I’ve only got one heart. I’m 100% human.” The Queen looked at Clara suspiciously but seemed to believe her. After circling Clara a few times, the Queen spoke up again. “Well, earth child, which kindom do you hail from? The Norway? The Germany?”  
“I’m British actually. Y’know, from England?” The Queen’s eyes widened and her mouth formed a circle as the entire stadium went into overdrive, everyone was shouting and screaming. The Queen recovered and had to shout for silence this time. She beckoned some of her henchmen forwards and for a second Clara thought they were going to kill her but the Queen only ordered them to go get something. “This earth-child may be able to explain the riddle of the mysterious object! Meanwhile, bring forth the pot of the tea, for today I shall drink some!” Clara was astounded when she was unchained and a small table was brought in bearing a large teapot, several cups and saucers, even little milk jugs and sugar jars. Everything was covered in a sort of brown floral pattern, like the dresses of old aunties who push a ten pound note into your hands when you leave their stuffy little houses. Two chairs were then brought forward and Clara sat down with the Queen to drink tea. The Queen pursed her lips and then started to shout again. “Well then, earth-child, bring for the bags of caffeine and tannin! Make the tea!” Clara was shocked and then very worried. “I … umm … don’t have any? We don’t normally carry them around…” The Queen puffed out her chest and bellowed “You will produce this tea ! Make it! Make it now!” Clara fumbled through her handbag, wishing desperately she had something which she could pass off as tea and sighing about how bloody typical it was – she was going to be killed because she couldn’t make a cup of tea. “Will this do?” Clara couldn’t have been more relieved to hear that voice and as he turned around she saw the Doctor, standing with his tongue sticking out a little bit, his arm deep inside his pockets, searching for something. Eventually, he pulled out a box. “Is PG Tips alright? C’mon, pull me up a chair!” When the Doctor was seated and Clara started to make the tea, she leaned over and hissed in his ear – “How the hell are we getting out of this one?” The Doctor grinned and passed her his cup and saucer. “No clue. Milk and two sugars, please!” Clara sighed and poured him a cup. She then poured the apprehensive Queen a cup and handed it to her carefully. The Queen drank it in one gulp and then threw down the cup so it smashed on the floor. “More!” She cried. “I must have more of this wonderful liquid!” Clara poured her another, and another, and another. When the Queen had downed ten cups Clara was really wondering how much more tea this woman could drink when the henchmen came back with a huge black box. The Queen smashed her final cup of tea before leaping up and opening the black box with a wave of her hand. The Doctor and Clara both jumped up to look inside and Clara was incredibly surprised by what she saw. The Queen started booming again, “Behold, the fearsome Mysterious Object! It’s true nature has never been revealed ... Until now! “ Clara stepped back in disbelief. “Umm –it’s a pineapple.” The crowd ohhed and ahhed and the Queen look suspiciously at Clara. “Is it a weapon? Will it obliterate my family at first touch?”  
“No, you just kind of … eat it.” Behind her, the Doctor had whipped out his sonic screwdriver and was performing a thorough evaluation of the pineapple. The Queen gasped and so did the crowd. “You! You are the time lord scum! Seize him!” Clara grabbed the Doctor by the hand as he grabbed the pineapple and they started to run out of the stadium and into the catacomb of tunnels behind it. “What it god’s name did you do that for? Didn’t you hear her time lord filth rant!” Clara sighed as they heard pounding footsteps following them. The Doctor sounded just as exasperated when he replied as they ducked under yet another low ceiling, “Well I was trapped under all that rubble! And I saved your skin with those tea bags! Quick, I left the TARDIS up here!” They raced through some more tunnels until they stopped suddenly and Clara gasped. They were standing on the very edge of a huge valley, with nothing but mist below them. Clara could hear the footsteps getting closer and closer. “What do we do now?!?” Clara looked expectantly at the Doctor as he peered down the ravine and back down the tunnels, scratching his hair. Clara shoved her hands in her pockets, looking for something, anything, which might be useful. Her fingers closed around the small silver ball from earlier. “Hey, Doctor, will this help?” The Doctor grinned and picked it up, unloading the pineapple into Clara’s arms. “Brilliant! TARDIS homing beacon! We just have to … ahh.” The Doctor shoved the ball in his pocket and placed his hands on Clara’s shoulders. “Listen Clara, we’re going to have to jump. We can’t stay here long enough for the TARDIS to materialise around us, we’re just going to have to jump and sort of … land in it.” Clara bit her lip and shook her head desperately. The Doctor hugged her close and sort of whispered into her hair, “You trust me, don’t you?” Clara nodded, strongly fighting the urge to cry. He smiled and kissed her on the cheek before wrapping his arms round her once more. “Well then. Geronimo!” As they leapt off the edge, Clara saw the faces of hundreds of the aliens looking down on her and the face of the Queen shouting and throwing a teapot at her. Suddenly, the TARDIS materialised below them and Clara fell, head first into the console.  
She came round a few minutes later. The world was spinning a bit but she smiled at the Doctor’s face focused into view. “Hey Clara. You alright? You can let go of that pineapple, y’know.” Clara sat up cautiously and saw there were little indents on her hands from the pineapple. She could already feel a bump coming up on the back of her head. “We’re at your house, Clara. Do you want me to … I mean, I could stay if you want, like if you want me to get you some pain meds or something?” Clara smiled and got up, a little unsteadily. “Don’t worry, Doctor, I’ll be fine. Oh, what should I do with this pineapple?” The Doctor shrugged. “I guess you could eat it. It does seem like a regular pineapple.”  
“Are you sure? Because I don’t want to eat this and suddenly have 8 arms or something.” The Doctor grinned and flicked some switches on the console. “I’m positive. Well, see you next Wednesday!”  
“Bye!” Clara smiled as she jumped lightly out of the TARDIS and watched it dematerialise on her front steps. She then went round the back and binned the pineapple – she didn’t really want to risk it.


End file.
